Whats In A Name

Growing up My name was the bane of my life, was it a bad name? Now looking back it wasn't but when I walked into a new school  and a new class room for the first time and the teacher said, Okay class lets welcome our new student, and then would have me to say my name. I would stand there with all of those stranger eyes waiting, feeling like throwing up and I would say my name and for some reason I thought I would see disappointment in their eyes.To this day I can not stand in front of a group without getting sick to my stomach
Eighth grade was a turning point for me when the Phy ed teacher shorten my name and I felt like a new person, that old name was gone while I was in school. Ninth grade was was fun when I went to that new school and got to slip into a desk before the teacher asked me my name and each class room they did, but I would say my name strong and unafraid. I wasn't that old frightened little girl with that hated name. Luckily I never had to go to a new school and I shed the old past and became a social butterfly. That cute name was what I thought had opened the door to being popular.
I had a boy friend, and after dating for a couple of years we got married, and a quick thought was that now I had really changed my name. But I was in for a surprise, My new husband did not like my cute nickname and insisted I went by my real name, I felt a twinge when ever people used  my name, but at least it wasn't used together with the dreaded last name from grade school. the years went by and I was too busy to think of silly things, raising a large family and survival was on the top of the list.
As years passed  I did not realize that my life had changed so much from what my dreams were and that not using my nickname was just the beginning of being different from that  happy teenager, I gradually forgot who she was , let alone think of now unimportant a name was in the scheme of things. I became a wife and a mother and lost that girl. Years when on and unhappy was a part of my life that I hid until one day, someone at  work said to me, Tee how did you get so smart, What? me smart, me a Tee? Wow a new name one that belong to a smart woman. That started me on the trail of finding that young girl again that had dreams.
When we finally divorced, my daughter wanted me to take back  my maiden name and I thought oh no and visions of those schools came back.Six years of learning to like me again, to see the potential that was there all this time. I got married to a great guy with long last name and I was happy, When new hubby said my name it was a caress not a sad thing and I  was happy. After he died, I struggled and proved I was as strong as he thought I was.How smart I was. Now comes the time that my children asked when my time comes where will I be buried and what do I want on  my headstone. How did I get that old I wondered and of course I just had to look in the mirror to realize the time  that had passed.
Now I do genealogy and the where I would be buried and what names would be was important for future generations to find me.All of a sudden names became important again. My daughter wants me to change my name back,not to her dad' s but to my maiden name and that they would list my children's names on the headstone for the future. Now it is important  that I decide  and make peace with that long ago dreaded name or keep the one I have now.