Monday musings

I think I am in a state of flux. Winter has been too long for me. It  has made  me realize changes must be in store for me whether I like them or not. These last 23 years, were they wasted? Were they just me afraid to deal with the world? I  realized I have survived but at  what cost? I am now down to calling myself a hermit, I have to force myself to leave the house.
I wonder is it me that keeps my family away from me? I pretend it is all good but its not. I am lonely I rarely see or hear from most of  my children. I thought I was a pretty decent mother but maybe I wasn't who knows.
We all make choices in life but family should be family, for some reason they have  pretty much closed me out. Is it shame on me or them? Some of it is in laws, We do not choose who our children marry.I think some is anger  still lingering from their parents divorce. If it is that , it is time to move on 20 years already.
The holidays are just so  stressful, I plan them making it as  nice a s possible, but I know with all the negative  comments that it is the last place they want to be. So I retired from doing Christmas, we  will see if they like it better if i do  not plan it. I decided I am not asking anyone about Easter, I am still over stressed from Christmas. So my yearning to see all my family together and happy will struggle with the reality of, they would rather not get together.
I know this sounds like a pity  party but it is not, at least I hope it is just me having to say it to someone.
I used to work in home health and I know from that  history that family has burn out when the parent is physically disabled.  Maybe we are just a waste of time, although I did not feel that way about my clients.
We are not innocent in some of this, Like me for instance it is easier to be afraid, to stay home to never try to make changes. better the devil you know than the one you do not. So I have been thinking, hope I can follow through with some good plans and not have to ask my children for anything. It is one thing  if they offer but it is sad and demeaning to me to have to ask.